I've Got to Tell You About Adam
by kellyofsmeg
Summary: My first story back from hiatus! Pre-series 1. John just had one son storm out of his life and another son unexpectedly enter. He has a lot on his mind, and writes a letter to the only person he feels he can turn to.


**I've Got to Tell You About Adam**

 **by kellyofsmeg**

 **...**

Mary, there's something that I have to tell you. There's no easy way to say it, so I'm just gonna come right out with it. I have another son. His name is Adam.

I was never unfaithful to you, Mary. Adam is twelve years old. I didn't even know that he existed until yesterday. I met his mother after a hunt. I was torn up real bad, and she took care of me. She was a nurse at the hospital where I was admitted. Mary, I never would have dreamed of being with another woman if you were still alive. I've never taken off my wedding ring. You're the only woman I'll ever love. I let it happen. It had been so long...I'm only a man, Mary. I was weak.

When Adam's mother called me out of the blue the other day, told me I had another son...I had to meet him. I drove all night to see him, all the way to Connecticut. I knew the second I saw Adam that he was my kid. I see both our boys in him. So I guess that means me. He's got Sammy's face-shape, chin, mouth, nose, Dean's eyes, forehead, hair. Only Adam's eyes are light blue like his mother's. Kate. His last name may be Milligan, but he's a Winchester through and through.

He's a good kid. He's real smart like Sammy, but his personality's more like Dean. He's got Dean's sense of humor, and knows about as many pop culture references. I can tell family is real important to Adam like it is to Dean, too. But I don't exactly figure into that. Apparently, he's been begging his mom to look me up for years. I wish Kate would have called me sooner. I know how it feels to be a kid who thinks their dad doesn't give a damn about them. I'm not sure which is worse—thinking your dad doesn't give a crap or that he doesn't even know you exist. I may not have been able to be there all the time for Adam, but I could have at least let him know I was out there, and that I cared enough to step up and be a father to him to the best of my ability.

On the drive to Connecticut, I made a decision not to tell Adam about being a hunter. I wasn't able to save Sam and Dean from the harsh reality, since we were thrown smack in the middle of it. But Adam has his mom, and a normal life. I wasn't going to barge into their lives trailing all my baggage with me. I did normal father-son things with Adam like I wish I had done with Sam and Dean—went fishing and took him to a baseball game after. Making up for lost time. Part of me is angry with Kate for not telling me about Adam sooner. But Sammy and Dean were seven and eleven when Adam was born. I honestly don't know what I would have done with that news at the time. As much as I hate the idea, I think I just would have ended up sending a child support check to Kate every month and showed up for birthdays. No way would I have dragged another innocent kid into the hunting life unnecessarily. Maybe Adam's been better off not knowing me. Now that he does, the least I can do is protect him from the truth. Give him the normal life that Sammy's always wanted and he and Dean both deserved.

Of course, lying about my job also meant lying about our boys. Adam asked me if he had any brothers or sisters. And Mary, it tore me apart when I told him, "No." He's seen the wedding ring. That's part of why Kate never told me she had my kid...didn't want to break up a marriage.

But denying Sam and Dean's existence...Mary, I hated myself for doing it. It felt so wrong. I wanted nothing more than to tell Adam, "Your brother Dean's the deadest shot I've ever seen. He's the first guy you'd want on your side in any fight. He's a real comedian, too. A bit of a smart ass. And the greatest friend you could ever ask for," and "Your brother Sam's a stubborn one, but he's got brains. He was always my moral compass. Just got into Stanford. I probably didn't get it across, but I am so proud of him. Hell, I miss him. I hope he's safe." But I couldn't tell Adam about his brothers. Then he'd want to meet them. And there's no way Adam could meet Sam and Dean without also being introduced to a hunter's life. It kills me that protecting Adam also means keeping him away from his brothers. Besides, I don't know how Sam and Dean would take the news. Probably badly. In Dean's eyes, you're the only woman I've ever been with. Despite evidence to the contrary. Sam isn't so blindly naive. He knows I'm not saint. I hate saying all this Mary, but I'm being honest. Coming clean. You're gone. I still don't feel like that's an excuse.

I wish you could see our boys now, Mary. I'm so proud of both of them. They've both grown up to be great men. Best I know. Dean is everything a man could ask for in a son. He's absolutely loyal, obedient, respectful, trustworthy. He's got a real hand with mechanics, too. I taught him everything I know. He's tough as nails and really coming into his own as a hunter. Where Sammy's got book smarts, Dean's got the smarts that are going to keep him alive as a hunter. His instincts are sharp, he always takes his shot and acts with his gut. And more often than not, he's right. Dean's more than just my son; he's become my right hand man and the best friend I've ever had. And up until this year, he was the only thing keeping our family together. There's _nothing_ I wouldn't do for that kid.

Sammy left a few months ago for Stanford. I haven't heard from him since. I think Dean's cut off contact with him too, now. I'm sorry, Mary. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Sam's always wanted to be normal, and he left the family to do it. We had a hell of a fight the night he left, and I know we both said some things we regret. Sam's always wanted to get away from the hunting lifestyle. It's not that I don't want him to go to school, Mary. But we have work to do. We have to avenge your death, and me and Dean need Sam's help to do it. The kid doesn't have his priorities straight. Family always comes first.

What really bothered me about him leaving was that he's alone. Vulnerable. He'd better not let his guard down or forget his training. Just because he walked away from being a hunter doesn't mean the things in the dark aren't still following him. I've already been to Palo Alto to check on him. He seems fine, happy. I didn't know what I expected. I guess looking conflicted about his life choices. But he fits right in there—except for the fact that he's a clear head or more above everyone else. Our boy got tall, Mary. Nearly 6'5" last time I checked. Grew up big and strong. He's a genius, sensitive, always worried about doing the right thing. He hasn't got that same killer instinct as Dean. I think he takes after you in a lot of ways. So know that when I say he's bull-headed, I mean it in the best possible way. I miss him, Mary. It kills me that our boys are apart, that they're not even speaking. I keep hoping Sammy will come back, but I know better. He meant it when he said he was leaving, and I'm pretty sure he thought I meant it too when I told him if he was going he should stay gone. It broke my heart to see him leave. So naturally, I've been numbing my senses with booze, hunting, and avoiding talking about it. It's easier than feeling. Unfortunately, I think Dean's catching onto my medicine of choice.

I've tried to do right by our boys, Mary. I really have. But I'm not the father I always wanted to be. I had to spend too much time looking over my shoulder. I provided for them, they never went naked or hungry—but I wasn't always there when I should've been. Dean had to take on more than his fair share of raising his baby brother. He had to grow up too fast. At the very least, I've kept them alive when the odds were stacked against us. Monsters are real. One killed you that night, and they've been stalking us ever since. Only made sense to fight back. I've learned Sammy was the real target the night you died, and whatever it was did something to him. I have theories I'm testing, but the rest I'm still working out so I don't wanna jump the gun. So you can see why I wish I still had him close. To protect him.

But Sam's gone, and Dean's doing some legwork for our next case in Tennessee right now. I'm gonna call and check up on him at 10. He thinks I'm on another case right now, not sitting at a truck stop writing this after meeting his half-brother for the first time. Our boys are all grown up, Mary. I hope I didn't screw them up too bad. Adam's young. There's still hope for him. I want him to have a normal life like I could never give to Sam and Dean. Unfortunately, this means being away more than not. It's a long way from atoning, but that's how I can protect Adam—by not dragging him into all of this. I just hope I don't blow it.

You're probably looking down on me right now and shaking your head. Can't say that I blame you. I just hope you can forgive me.

Just know that I love you, Mary. I always will.

John set down his pen folded up the letter, taking his silver lighter from his pocket and igniting the corner. He watched as the flames steadily licked at the paper, devouring it into black smoke. When the paper was mostly engulfed, John threw it out the open air onto the concrete outside. He started up his truck and smothered the remnants of the flames with his tires as he reversed, made a wide turn and re-entered onto the highway.

...

THE END


End file.
